Going through pregnancy alone is the most scariest and hardest thing I have ever had to do.
I am very lucky to have great support from some very close friends and although my family live 356miles away I know they are just at the other end of a phone call if I need them, but ultimately it is just me. No partner to share all the highs and lows with, no one to hold me at night when things become too much or feel the intangible love and excitement of this little life growing inside me. It is just as shitty to not have someone else see all the positive changes in me and the baby as it is having no one to help you put socks on in the morning. I never wanted to go through this moment in my life without having someone to share it with. I always imagined creating life with someone who I was in a loving and committed relationship with but unfortunately fate fell towards unfavored circumstances and so you just have to “roll with the punches” so to speak.
I try to be positive, telling myself that this way I get to have her all to myself, just the two of us and we don’t need anyone else, but that also allows the thought to creep in that no one else will share the feelings of the love my daughter will bring to the world when she arrives like I will.
I remember so vividly the first time I felt her move, not just the little flutters only I could feel but an actual kick. The first time it all became way more real then ‘just knowing’ she was in there. I was in my flat alone and I found myself looking frantically around in oblivious hope that someone else could share this magical moment with me and be as overwhelming overjoyed as I was, but there was no one. I did my best not to dampen this amazing experience with thoughts of sadness and as much as I smiled and cried with love I knew they were there, lingering in the back of my mind just waiting for the joy to pass so they could creep up on me unexpectedly.
The closer it gets to her entering the world the easier it has been to focus on the thoughts of the intense love I will feel, like a lot of mothers tell you about. It gives me unimaginable strength and even helps lessen the fear of child birth (which I’m guessing no woman is really looking forward to).
I still find myself trying to convince my mind that she will not be missing out. But if any of my life experiences with men, including my own father, have convinced me of anything it is that ultimately men only care for their own happiness and take no responsibility for the vulnerability they create in others through the pretence of love. And then I’m dragged down into a hole as I do not want to pass this view of life onto my daughter, I don’t want to taint her view of the world with all the harsh experiences I have had to learn from.
It is going to take me a very long time to ever trust a man again or not see malice in his intentions, no matter how lovingly they appear to be.
I also know how much harder it will be when she is here. Knowing how much I love her already gives me hope because I know it will only feel stronger when I hold her for the first time, when she looks at me or finds comfort in my arms.
It’s a tough journey, the most unstable and scariest path I have ever walked along but my heart tells me that she will make it all worth it!