Now I am very much a ‘Pro Choice’ person. I completely agree with the right for women to choose what is right for them in whatever kind of situation they find themselves in and this will never change. It makes me so happy to see the continuation and support of this movement in our society with acts such as Repeal the Eighth and other progressive movements happening, especially when the oppression of women in the world is still so strong and even though there is still so much that needs to change we are moving forward, slowly but surely!
I completely understand that this can be a very touchy subject for some people and I respect their views and the decisions they make about their own lives and bodies, so please be kind when I open up about such a sensitive subject as I can only advocate my own personal experience about my choice and the situation I was in.
After seeing the positive blue line in the test window and finally being able to recover from the shock and utter disbelief, I had a lot to think about (putting it lightly). Now I wasn’t and I still am not in a relationship with the father, I live alone in the city with my cat, I work full time and study full time, while also trying to juggle some kind of social life. I didn’t have the best childhood due to family tragedies from a young age but after hard work, determination and a strong supportive bond with my mother and sisters I had managed to find myself in the stereotypical life of a mid twenties female trying to make it on her own. So finally feeling that I was somewhat standing firmly on my own two feet, having a baby wasn’t my main focus at this point in my life (although I always knew I wanted children, this was not the scenario I was hoping to find myself in).
But despite my use of contraception I had found myself in a situation I hadn’t planned or prepared for and regardless of how I wanted my life to be going at this point I was now faced with a new reality in which will be one of the most defining moments of my life so far.
Mr A and myself met the next day to try and attempt talking about what was happening, I was unsure about what I wanted to do and so wanted to explore the options available (which I am very very grateful to have considering a lot of women in the world are not afforded this freedom). Giving my child up for Adoption was something I knew I would never be able to do so I was left with two choices, to go ahead with the pregnancy and become a mother, or choose a termination. I needed more information, a lot more before I could commit to either decision so we agreed to book an appointment with my doctor to talk through what the exact details of the latter would mean.
We both attended the appointment and discussed with the doctor, who I am lucky to say was very understanding and informed us both on the process and what steps we could take next. I had a lot of questions but to answer them appropriately he wanted to confirm how far along I was, as this was very important to how things would proceed. Now I am going to add, at this stage Mr A appeared to be very supportive, even though he remained quiet the entire time we were with the doctor, not asking a single question or seeming to take much in, but I was too concerned with all this new information I let it slid. He was there at least and for now that was all I could ask for.
So to move forward with more confidence the doctor booked me an appointment with the abortion clinic, which was in a weeks time and they would be able to confirm how far pregnant I was and what would happen next if I chose to go ahead with an abortion. After leaving the practice Mr A and myself spoke of what had been said at the doctors and he agreed to come with me to the clinic for support and also I thought, to find out more information about the whole thing for himself to process properly as I still hadn’t decided on what I wanted to do.
The seven days went quickly and we were soon sitting on the uncomfortable plastic blue chairs in the waiting room of the clinic. The receptionist had taken my relevant information and passed us a booklet about what the appointment would entail to prepare us for what exactly was going to happen when we passed through the nurses door to talk about the next steps. Thankfully we weren’t waiting long and we were called through to a small room with one of them typical doctor examination beds and a few bits of machinery. After the nurse introduced herself to us I was asked to lie down on the bed and lift my top up. She explained that she was going to do an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and date the gestation time as this would determine the type of termination I would receive. Once again Mr A said not a word the entire time we were there, however I was full of questions, needing to know exactly what I would be going through if I choice to go ahead.
After squeezing some very cold gel on my stomach and proceeding to rub a little device around above my pelvic area she did indeed confirm I was pregnant and dated it at 9 weeks (which coincided with the dates of my last period and made it pretty clear Mr A was the one who indeed fertilised me so to speak).
Now at this stage (and up until 11weeks) the procedure would involve me taking a pill to open up my cervix and inserting a pessary into my vagina to bring on a sort of early miscarriage. Also I should mention that being in scotland the pessary part of the procedure could be done at home, as it could cause bleeding quite quickly and they understand that this is going to be painful and would be very distressing if it were to start happening on the journey home.
And again I asked a million questions while Mr A stared off into space and also now seeming to just want to get it all over and done with and get out of there.
Next I was to be weighed, measured and my bloods taken to make sure it was indeed safe for me to go ahead with the procedure. I will also point out that the nurse (again who was luckily very kind and understanding) made it clear to us both that ultimately this was my body and therefore my decision and I could opt out at any time up until I had taken the first pill to start the process.
I explained to the nurse my uncertainties about going ahead with the abortion and although it was better, if I were to go ahead, to do so sooner rather then later, she told me I still had a little time to think things through and discuss them with Mr A before I had to make a definitive decision. They also needed a few days to check my blood results before anything could go ahead medically which afforded us a little more time to make a decision which, either way, was going to affect me mentally and physically in the future.
Now I’m sorry I’ve waffled for what feels like forever but I wanted to go through the whole process for anyone whom may find themselves in the same situation and also to get it out of my head.
After this last appointment I thought long and hard about the choice I would make, what the consequences would be for and against terminating or going ahead with the pregnancy. Ultimately my mental well being of living with myself after putting myself through an abortion became to much to be able to go ahead. I thought for what felt like forever about all the different outcomes discussing as much as I could put into words with Mr A as possible (although he does not see it this way and believes me to have not thought anything through and ruined his life, yes my feelings and process of what I was going through was no comparison to his ‘harsh logic’ and thus destroying his life with this imperfect and accidental situation we were both in and presidentially I was now to blame for everything of course).
I told Mr A that I was going to keep the baby and as much as the final outcome was my decision, it’s was now his choice whether he wanted to be involved or not and I wouldn’t force him into either, financially or physically if he would rather not have any involvement.
Now you will be completely shocked, just as I was to how he reacted to this news and how he has behaved since. I have been belittled and berated in my decision from this supposedly ‘supportive man’ and as previously said been told I have made the worst and most devastating decision ruining ‘all three of our lives’. In his own words he now holds nothing but resentment for me and our child and wants nothing to do with us at all, he hates children and cares not for his part in any of this as I made the choice he didn’t want.
And so now here I am, 31 weeks pregnant and still standing firm in the choice that I made, being as positive as I can about what the future holds for the two of us. I have not seen Mr A now for over 2 months and I have no idea where he lives as he moved flats since we last spoke. He is still adamant that he wants nothing to do with either of us and although it hurt me terribly, not for me but for our child, it is really him who is missing out. The love and support I have received from friends and family gives me nothing but confidence for my life ahead with my new and very fast approaching little family of two ❤
Additional ; there is so much more to this part of my story and over more posts I hope to convey all that went on in my head and between Mr A and myself but for now I will end it here until next time as I don’t want to go on and on and on in what might seem like one endless post about such an impacting time of my life. Thank you for reading 🙂